First things first.
In the first of this week’s two episodes, Sam sent Richie home. Richie. Richie.
I know. Let that sink in for a hot second.
Our titular bachelorette took the handsome, funny, sometimes-elderly Richie and kicked him to the kerb. Why? Who knows? Who among us could hope to understand the unpredictable ways of Sam Frost’s mysterious, labyrinthine mind?
All I know is, she’s left with Sasha and Michael. I know who I’d pick (hint: It’s Osher).
In the second of this week’s episodes – the finale itself! – we’re in Auckland, New Zealand. Sam arrives first, then each of the final two guys. Michael muses to the camera, “Sam is the kind of girl that you always know is out there, but for some reason you never find.” Because you can’t find love in the back of a goal net, Michael. When will you learn?!
Sam shares her reservations. “Sasha and Michael have both told me that they’re falling in love with me, but they havent said that they’re IN love with me.” She wants to make sure that sending one of them home alone will be as emotionally devastating as possible before she proceeds.
Sam visits her family, where they all say things like “you want someone who will work things out with you as opposed to just running.” Then they go on for a little while longer throwing some severe shade at unnamed parties (*cough* BLAKE BLAKEFIELD *cough*)
Both guys take a turn at meeting Sam’s family. First up is Michael, who gets a nervous introduction from Sam to her family; “This is my brother Steve, my sister Kris, and this is Alex.” Alex is not given any sort of introduction or context, so it is very possible that he is David the International Model in a Mission: Impossible-style latex mask.
Later, it’s Sasha’s turn. Of Sasha, Sam says “He’s talented and creative!” because she apparently didn’t bother looking at the painting they made together a couple of weeks ago.
Each of the guys gets a personal grilling from Kristine, who has appointed herself the guardian of Sam’s heart, or possibly the host of a new tough-talking dating show called What the Heck Are You Even Doing Here Mate? Huh? HUH?
She confronts Michael, because – in her words – “I’ve been fooled before and I don’t want to get hurt again”. Does… does she think that Blake dumped her? How invested is she in this show? She tells Michael that he seems too perfect, but she says it like a criticism, and Michael responds with a WTF face that I share. Being perfect is a bad thing?! She’d bloody love me, then.
Later, in her grilling of Sasha, Kristine asks, “Did you come on the show to look for love or build a profile?” which is a very good question and one he answers with, “I don’t even have a profile on Facebook!”
Sure, mate. If anything that just adds to your brand. The blokey, handsome, no-facebook-using sensitive guy. It’s sickeningly appealing!
After the family grilling, it’s time for two final single dates. Lord knows why Sam isn’t just throwing the two guys into a steel cage and letting them sort it out the old fashioned way, but I guess they just do things differently in New Zealand.
Sam takes Michael white water rafting, which is like professional soccer in that they want us to think Michael has done a lot more of it than he really has. “Teamwork makes the dream work!” Sam exclaims in a calm moment between rapids, and I definitely hope that she spends the rest of the episode speaking in rhymes. Seriously, I’ll call this the best series of anything ever if she ends the final ceremony with “Mike, take a hike!”
They do some other stuff, but this episode is scheduled to go for nearly two hours. I’m not going to write about every goddamn moment. Jeez louise.
On Sasha’s single date, Sam takes him on a yacht ride. At this point she’s mastered enough different modes of transport to win a solid bet against Phileas Fogg.
While on the yacht, the two lovebirds have a long conversation about how he thinks about her when he’s alone at night. Neither of them say it out loud, but come on. Every single person on that yacht and watching at home is thinking “EEEWWW HE’S TALKING ABOUT JERKIN’ IT.”
After the yacht ride they go and sit in a secluded area somewhere and have a serious conversation, because extreme-adventure-followed-by-serious-conversation-in-a-secluded-area is a well this show hasn’t gone to nearly often enough.
The big takeaway from the dates is that both guys tell Sam that they love her. Later, Michael tells the camera that he feels like he’s taking a risk. As Sam might say, you’ve gotta risk it for the biscuit, Mikey!
Eventually, Sam takes her destined place under a tree in some paddock somewhere. According to Osher – via twitter – this tree was destroyed by lightning and regrew out of the dead trunk. It symbolises Sam Frost’s struggle to push her way out of the torso of her dead twin as a baby.
A shiny car pulls up, and Michael hops out. They’re near the water, which offers a distressing number of cliffs to jump off of if someone were to, say, get their heart broken. I’m worried.
And, sure enough, Michael’s heart done got broke. Sam doesn’t even need to say thing; she just cries a bit and he gets it. This bachelorette business is easy! To his credit, Michael takes it like a champ.
So, Mike takes a hike, then Sasha pulls up. All of the dramatic tension is gone now that we know the result, so let’s just wrap this up, shall we? He gets out of a car, big smiles, boom. Done.
Now go in for a pash, Sash!
Daniel Hall is a screenwriter and pop-culture commentator who has written about a variety of shows for a variety of websites.
Twitter – @danieljohnhall