We’re halfway through The Bachelorette, which is crazy. It seems like only yesterday that Drew’s owl flew onto our TV screens and flew away with our hearts.
With the wheat having been separated from the chaff, or possibly the other way around, we began this week left with eight Bachelorial candidates; Davey, Dave, Dave-o, Davos, Davros, Other Dave, Third Dave and Michael.
Two of them were weeded out in the first of this week’s episodes. The first, Tony-Dave, was given the boot after a two-on-one casino date between himself, Sam and Davey. Sadly neither Sam nor Davey seized the opportunity to say “Tony, you’re going home ALONE-ey!”
The casino date occurred on a yacht, which I think was called Blake’s Demise. When Tony was bundled into a liferaft and pushed out to sea, left to fend for himself with nothing but a tattered net and a broken heart, all Australia could think was “Wait, one of them was named Tony? Is he the rope guy? No?”
The second of this week’s dumpees was Kayne, who was sent home for the crime of sounding like what would happen if two people who really like Kanye West but were a bit sloppy on the ol’ penmanship had a baby.
The group date that preceded Kayne getting slain (metaphorically. I’m reasonably certain that the failed suitors aren’t murdered. Or are they?!) was a kid’s party, where Sam wanted to observe how the guys did around children. Dave did terribly, but made it through the rose ceremony, all but confirming my suspicion that Sam is an unpredictable trickstress who is only here to toy with these men the way a cat toys with cat toys.
The second of this week’s episodes was really all about Davey. Yes, there was a single date between Sam and Richie on which they got dressed up as old people and went to a bingo hall, but that was really just an excuse to prove that even the make-up department for a moderately-rated Australian reality dating show can do a better job of old-age makeup than anyone involved with Prometheus.
The episode began with a group date to a fairground so the boys could play some games. And, in case you were wondering; yes, a fairground contest with only seven people in the entire fair where most of them are competing over one woman feels EXACTLY like the first act of a horror movie.
Davey proved to be a bit of a clown. A larrikin. A japester. A jokeman. A, um… silly billy? This worried Sam, who thought that maybe she’d made a terrible mistake in allowing him to come this far and encouraging his Robin Goodfellow-esque impish behaviour.
Later, Sam pulled Davey aside to ask him if he even has a serious or sensitive side. He responded by utterly failing to string together any words at all into any kind of workable sentence. Sam decided to just rip the band-aid off and send him home before the rose ceremony, which Osher dutifully announced to the other men.
Curiously, we never saw Davey receive the news, nor did we see him at any point after Sam dropped the bomb. Did he start crying? Or flip out and attack a producer? Or did he just hurl himself out of a mansion window?!
Davey, if you’re reading this, let me know that you’re okay! You can find me on twitter @danieljohnhall! THAT’S NOT A PLUG, I’M JUST TRYING TO HELP!
Daniel Hall is a screenwriter and pop-culture commentator who has written about a variety of shows for a variety of websites.
Twitter – @danieljohnhall